Twenty Five (4.23)
Leo: Of course you're gonna be a great father. Of course you're gonna love your kids the way you're supposed to, the way other fathers do.
Toby: My God, Leo. We look around, we see that's not true. It's not automatic.
Leo: I'm not talking about everybody. I'm talking about you. And I'm telling you, it's a mortal lock. It's guaranteed.
Bartlet: Okay, well, let me ask you this. Would you consider instead of living in France with your boyfriend for three months, staying here, living in your room, being a candy striper, or surfer?
Zoey: A candy striper?
Bartlet: Or surfing. You could spend the summer working in a pet shop. We could play Yahtzee, and watch movies at night.
Zoey: Dad, what fantasy is it that's going through your head right now?
Bartlet: What daughters would do their whole lives if I had my way.
Zoey: I'll see you later.
Bartlet: [to Secret Service] Before I forget, if something comes up and you're faced with the choice of killing the boyfriend or not killing the boyfriend? Kill the boyfriend.
Life On Mars (4.21)
CJ: The farmers are victims of this Republican Congress.
Joe Quincy: I don't get a vote in the U.S. House of Representatives, but I do go to the grocery store. I know that food is cheaper, and I know that when life expectancy goes up, that's not victimizing undertakers.
CJ: Well argued, though I do hate you and everything you stand for.
Joe: Claudia Jean, you've only known me for four minutes. It usually takes people the better part of an hour to hate me and everything I stand for.
CJ: I'm the press secretary, BooBoo. I don't have that kind of time.
Evidence of Things Not Seen (4.20)
Larry: You know, you're particularly upbeat for someone who's been shot at twice in four years.
CJ: Am I?
CJ: That's 'cause I've got faith there, mi compadre.
CJ: The substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen.
Toby: Yeah, but I think what he's asking - bump ten - I think what he's asking is why most other nights do you think the world's going to hell in a hula hoop, but tonight?
CJ: We dipped twice and eat gefilte fish?
Toby: Suzy Cream Cheese, do not attempt the hagaddah.
CJ: I know how to bless the soup too. I'll raise your raise.
CJ: Just the two of us.
Toby: Faith in what?
CJ: In us.
Toby: The people in this room?
CJ: And many, many, many others.
Angel Maintenance (4.19)
CJ: Good evening, Mr. President.
Bartlet: Charlie, stay in here, would you? Here's what's going on: the light that indicates that the landing gear is locked didn't go on, which usually indicates that there's something wrong with the light. But what they're going to do is, they've sent a fighter jet to fly up alongside and get visual confirmation that it's down, and then we land. Here's the tricky part.
CJ: Here's the tricky part?
Bartlet: The press can't know this is going on. There are two issues. One is that the Nikkei's about to open, the other is national security. We can't broadcast that Air Force One is up in the air over West Virginia and can't land.
CJ: The co-pilot told us it was a problem on the ground. We'll stay with that.
Will: What are we going to tell them when they see an Air Force Strikefighter outside their window?
CJ: That's gonna take some thought.
Abbey: It's not that the money can't go to clinics that perform abortions. It's that it can't go to clinics that talk about abortions.
Bartlet: I know what the gag rule is.
Abbey: I wasn't reminding you what the gag rule was. I was reminding you that you sent eleven thousand US troops to Kundu because in your inauguration you told us that we were for freedom of speech everywhere.
Bartlet: That's great, except people are starving to death and they're dying of disease to death and they can't cook the Bill of Rights.
Abbey: So, we're for freedom of speech everywhere but poor countries, where they can have our help but only if they live up to Clancy Bangert's moral standards? What the hell kind of free world are you running?
Bartlet: I really don't know, Abbey. The day hasn't started yet.
Red Haven's On Fire (4.17)
Sam: I'm gonna lose.
Sam: There's no chance of a miracle?
Sam: Then why are you here?
Toby: You're gonna lose, and you're gonna lose huge. They're gonna throw rocks at you next week, and I wanted to be standing next to you when they did.
Sam: Oh, really.
The California 47th (4.16)
Debbie: Good morning, Mr. President.
Bartlet: Miss Hamentashen.
Debbie: Isn't it a little early in the day, sir?
Bartlet: Leo said just now that there was going to be an NEC briefing on scoring and tell her what I said.
Leo: "What's wrong with booze and a comfortable pickup?"
Debbie: No, I see there's no hour too early for your Noel Cowardesque wit, sir.
Inauguration: Over There (4.15)
Toby: On Sunday, he's taking an oath to ensure domestic tranquility.
CJ: And to establish justice and promote the general welfare. Stand by while atrocities are taking place and you're an accomplice.
Toby: I'm not indifferent to that, but knuckleheaded self-destruction is never going to burn itself out? You really want to send your kids across the street into the fire?
CJ: Want to? No. Should I? Yes.
Toby: Why? And don't give me a lefty answer.
CJ: A lefty answer is all I've got.
Toby: Why are you sending your kids across the street?
CJ: 'Cause those are somebody's kids, too.
Inauguration, Part 1 (4.14)
Bartlet: I have a problem.
Josh: Well, you're about to propose the most massive shift in foreign policy since the Marshall Plan, and it's going to be wildly unpopular.
Bartlet: All right, two problems.
Josh: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: I don't have a Bible.
Josh: What do you mean?
Bartlet: I kept changing my mind all week on which Bible I wanted to use, and then I finally settled on the George Washington Bible but we ran into a problem with the New York Free Masons, which we don't have time to get into.
Josh: The Free Masons?
Bartlet: Yeah. Charlie's out hunting one down, but he's not back yet.
Josh: You know, there's nothing that says you have to be sworn in on a Bible.
Bartlet: Is that true?
Josh: You can be sworn in on the Sports Illustrated swimsuit Issue.
Bartlet: You think that's a good idea?
Bartlet: You sure?
The Long Goodbye (4.13)
CJ: No, I didn't mean that you have no social skills, Toby. I'm sorry if you think I was being insensitive to your... I think you're very... you're a very pretty girl, Toby.
Guns Not Butter (4.12)
CJ: Well, first of all, that's not a cow. It's not. It's a goat. Yeah, I may have agreed to something about a goat.
Leo: Did the First Lady get you drunk and take you shopping?
CJ: Leo - yes. The name of the group is Heifer International. I was under the impression it was going to be a cow.
Leo: Lending Presidential aura to the photo?
CJ: Okay. I think what were going to do is - I think we're going to wait until after the vote at 10:30. Cause if we don't win, then it would be a mistake for this picture to run tomorrow.
Leo: How big a mistake?
CJ: One from which my job certainly would have hung in the balance.
Leo: In the balance?
CJ: Goats are heifers, too?
Handler: I don't know.
Leo: If the President's wearing a hat, or that thing's wearing a Bartlet button, I'm hiding snakes in your car.
CJ: Come on, don't say that! Not even to joke!
Leo: You're never gonna know where they are.
Leo: Or if you got them all out. Excuse me. Gonna lay their eggs right in the glove compartment.
Holy Night (4.11)
Carol: You think they should wrap it up?
CJ: Well, one more after this.
Carol: I know. Aren't they great?
CJ: You just want them to take you to their place and -
Carol: They're 20 years old, ma'am.
CJ: Yes. Sing...is what I was going to say. Take you to their place and sing.
Arctic Radar (4.10)
Leo: I need a favor. The President's gonna be getting a phone call and I don't want him to take it, and I don't want him to know why.
Charlie: The first part is okay. The second part gets ethically tricky.
Leo: The U.N. has had a decades-old conflict with New York City. Foreign diplomats will park anywhere they want, and they get tickets.
Leo: Don't pay them. And that's where are action begins 'cause every once in a while the city goes on a jihad and starts towing all their cars and that's just happened.
Charlie: So someone's complaining to the President?
Leo: The Secretary-General.
Charlie: You want me to have the President dodge a call from the UN Secretary-General and not know why?
Leo: Yeah, could you swing that?
Charlie: If I could, that would be troubling, wouldn't it?
Swiss Diplomacy (4.9)
CJ: Mr. President, Arnold White, Associated Press. What's the first legislative priority for your second term?
Bartlet: There's a new guy from AP?
CJ: Yeah. What's your legislative priority?
Bartlet: Well, the President of Turkmenistan just officially extended the date of adolescence to 25. So, things like that.
Process Stories (4.8)
Bruno: I am, uh, I'm just going to kill you.
CJ: She seems nice.
Bruno: That's the brunette named Annette.
CJ: Wouldn't you just give anything if she was from Tibet?
Bruno: I'm actually fine with her being from Philadelphia, so please state your
Election Day (4.7)
Charlie: I’m not Officer Krupke. I have a job.
Anthony: Hey, could you try to think back to the days before you were Secretary of State or something? There are good guys and there are bad guys, and when the good guys stop letting you play with them, the bad guys have a recruiting field day.
Charlie: When did you start talking like Mickey Spillane?
Anthony: I don’t know. Who’s Officer Cupcake?
Charlie: Okay. You’re seeing a musical.
Game On (4.6)
Governor Ritchie: We need to cut taxes for one reason: the American people know how to spend their money better than the federal government does.
Moderator: Mr. President, your rebuttal.
Bartlet: There it is. That's the ten-word answer my staff's been looking for for two weeks. There it is. Ten-word answers can kill you in political campaigns. They're the tip of the sword. Here's my question: What are the next ten words of your answer? Your taxes are too high? So are mine. Give me the next ten words. How are we going to do it? Give me ten after that - I'll drop out of the race right now. Every once in a while - every once in a while, there's a day with an absolute right and an absolute wrong, but those days almost always include body counts. Other than that, there aren't very many un-nuanced moments in leading a country that's way too big for ten words. I'm the President of the United States, not the President of the people who agree with me. And by the way, if the left has a problem with that, they should vote for somebody else.
Debate Camp (4.5)
CJ: 600,000 Evangelicals are praying for me, so we have that going for us.
Leo: What the hell are you talking about?
CJ: It’s true, this guy gave me this card, 365 people in media.
Sam: Who are the others?
CJ: I don’t know, let’s see: Hugh Hefner, Don Imus, Howard Stern, all the late night guys, this is – one, two, three, this is the editorial board of the New York Times. This isn’t a good list! This is a list of people who are going to hell!
The Red Mass
Josh: We run the risk of alienating -
Bartlet: Heroin addicts?
College Kids (4.3)
Bartlet: Listen, I know we're here for a serious purpose, for a sober purpose, but I wanted to say I've never been a part of a street gang before, and that's basically what we are -- a pretty well-financed one -- but anyway, I wanted to say it feels good. And I think when we're done with this meeting, I think we should go out and get girls and, I don't know, maybe knock over a fruit stand or something.
Bartlet: We're going to need to learn to sing and dance.
20 Hours in America, part II (4.2)
Bartlet: There's a lot of science in economics, to be sure, but like a lot of things, a lot depends on the user. I need the Nikkei Index to do what I need it to do tonight and I've got Hoover's good luck charm over here. But now, while I'm talking about it, I feel like it's ridiculous that someone like me would consider canceling a photo-op.
Charlie: I can't believe you're considering doing it, sir.
Bartlet: I'm not, it's momentary.
Charlie: No, I mean I can't believe you're considering doing it.
Charlie: Toyko opens in three hours and you're going to drape your arm around the Mayor of Shantytown.
Bartlet: I didn't know you were superstitious.
Charlie: I'm not. Plus there are tribes in South America that don't think a photograph is a good idea to begin with. You ever see any pictures on my desk?
Charlie: You ever wonder why?
Bartlet: Charlie, just out of curiosity, in your mind, how much time do I spend thinking about your desk?
Charlie: Fair point, sir.
Bartlet: How long have we been talking about this now?
Charlie: A couple of minutes.
Bartlet: Okay, let's not tell anybody that.
20 Hours in America, part II (4.2)
Josh: You have an inadvertent habit of putting down my Judaism by implying that you have a sharper anti-Semitism meter than I do.
Toby: You know, the ancient Hebrews had a word for Jews from Westport. They pronounced it "Presbyterian."