Red Haven's On Fire (4.17)
Abbey: How did you live with Josh Lyman?
Amy: I'm sorry?
Abbey: How did you live with him? He beat Max out of the 12 million earmarked for vaccine education, and when I said I wanted the 12 million he said "So did I. And at the end of a prize-fight, you look at the guy who's dancing around and that's who won"? So I wanna know how you lived with him.
Amy: We never technically lived together which was the subject of many...
Abbey: Don't you wanna kill him when he says things like that?
Amy: My problem is I wanna jump him when he says things like that.
The Indians in the Lobby (3.8)
Bartlet: Stuffing should be stuffed inside the turkey, am I correct?
Operator: It can also be baked in a casserole dish.
Bartlet: Well, then we'd have to call it something else, wouldn't we?
Operator: I suppose.
Bartlet: If I cook it inside the turkey, is there a chance I could kill my guests? I'm not saying that's necessarily a deal-breaker.
Operator: Well, there are some concerns. Two main bacterial problems are Salmonella and Campylobacter jejuni.
Bartlet: All right. Well, first of all, I think you made the second one up, and second of all, how do I avoid it?
Operator: Make sure all the ingredients are cooked first. Sauté any vegetables, fried sausage, oysters, etc.
Bartlet: Excellent! Let's talk temperature.
Operator: One hundred and sixty-five degrees.
Bartlet: No, see, I was testing you. The USDA calls for turkeys to be cooked to an internal temperature of 180 to 185 degrees.
Operator: Yes, sir, I was talking about the stuffing which you want to cook to 165 to avoid health risks.
Bartlet: Okay. Good testing!
King Corn (6.13)
Donna: Mr Johnson, your platform would include paying the President, the Cabinet and all members of Congress a salary of one dollar a year?
Mr. Johnson: Hell, yeah. Make 'em get a real job.
Donna: And you want to ban motorcycle helmets, color televisions, drop out of the UN, abolish Medicare and totally privatize Social Security?
Mr. Johnson: You gotta get the government out of our damn pockets.
Donna: Sir, are you sure you're a Democrat?
In This White House (2.4)
Bartlet: Charlie, when they close the book on me and you, it will say that at this moment you were not there for me. And for that, obviously, there will be some kind of punishment.
Charlie: Well, you could sing Puccini for me again, Mr. President, and we'll call it even.
Posse Comitatus (3.22)
Bartlet: In the future, if you’re wondering, “Crime. Boy, I don’t know” is when I decided to kick your ass.
Somebody's Going To Emergency, Somebody's Going to...
Bartlet: What plaid, flannel-wearing cheese-eating yahoo of a milkman governor signed that idiot bill into state law? …It was me, wasn’t it?
The Crackpots and These Women (1.5)
Leo: Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of his White House had a big block of cheese.
Leo: I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak I am preparing appropriate retribution. The block of cheese was huge - over two tons. And it was there for any and all who might be hungry.
Toby: Leo, wouldn't this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can't possibly defend itself against us?
Leo: We can do that later, Toby. Right now I'm talking about President Andrew Jackson.
Sam: Actually, right now, you're talking about a big block of cheese.
On The Day Before (3.5)
Bartlet: You know what we're starting with tonight?
Josh: No, sir.
Bartlet: Hot pumpkin soup with cheese gnocchi and a chèvre brioche.
Josh: Was anything you just said food?
Jefferson Lives (5.3)
Will: We're having trouble with the Democrats.
CJ: Wow, along with the Republicans. That's kind of everyone.
Somebody's Going to Emergency, Somebody's Going To...
C.J.: No cameras.
Toby: You negotiated that?
Toby: They agreed to it?
C.J.: Yes. You want to make out with me now, don't you?
Toby: Well, when don't I?
Sam: You're asking me out on a date.
Mallory: No, I'm asking you to accompany me to see an internationally renowned opera company perform a work indigenous to its culture.
Sam: Right, and in what way will it distinguish itself from a date?
Mallory: There will be, under no circumstances, sex for you at the end of the evening.
Mallory: So what do you say?
Sam: Well, like most people I'm an absolute nut for Chinese opera. The Chinese being known the world over for their soaring and romantic melodies, and what with your guarantee that there won’t be sex, I don’t see how I could say no.
Sorry for the spam, but I just wanted to get a bunch of quotes up there and then everything’ll settle down to a more regular/less crazy schedule of posting.
Josh: There's a Citizen's Stamp Advisory Committee?
Josh: Made up of members of the There-But-For-The-Grace-of-God-go-I Club?
Leo: You wanna mock people or let me talk to Toby?
Josh: I wanna mock people.
17 People (2.18)
Sam: So guys, when I was downstairs I made a decision: I'm going to register with the Republican Party. And I'll tell you why, if you're curious. It's because they're a freedom loving people.
Ainsley: We also like beef.
The Women of Qumar (3.9)
Josh: I just came from seeing Amy Gardner.
C.J.: Yeah? How'd it go?
Josh: I showed her who's boss.
C.J.: Who'd it turn out to be?
Josh: It's still unclear.
Evidence of Things Not Seen (4.19)
CJ: There's no website supporting it?
Toby: And you gotta ask yourself, if no one on the Internet wants a piece of this, just how far from the pack have you strayed?
The Leadership Breakfast (2.11)
Bartlet: Donna wants me to call Karen Cahill and make it clear she wasn't hitting on her when she gave her her underwear.
Leo: Yeah, that's because I made fun of her shoes and Sam said there were nuclear weapons in Kyrgyzstan and Donna went to clear up the mix up and accidentally left her underwear.
Bartlet: There can't possibly be nuclear weapons in Kyrgyzstan...
Leo: Mr. President, please don't wade hip deep into this story.
Let Bartlet Be Bartlet (1.19)
Mrs. Landingham: You're not getting enough roughage in your diet, you know I'm right about that.
Bartlet: I know I'd like to beat you senseless with a head of cabbage, I know that for damn sure.
Mrs. Landingham: Once again you display an immaturity about vegetables that I think is not at all Presidential.
Post Hoc, Ergo Proctor Hoc (1.2)
C.J.: Sir, this may be a good time to talk about your sense of humor.
Bartlet: I've got an intelligence briefing, a security briefing, and a 90-minute budget meeting all scheduled for the same 45 minutes. You sure this is a good time to talk about my sense of humor?
Bartlet: Me neither.
C.J.: It's just that it's not the first time that it's happened.
Bartlet: I know.
Toby: We're talking about Texas, sir.
Bartlet: I know.
C.J.: USA Today asks you why you don't spend more time campaigning in Texas and you say it's because you don't look good in funny hats.
Sam: It was big hats.
C.J.: What difference does it make?
Bartlet: It makes a difference.
C.J.: The point is we got whomped in Texas.
Josh: We got whomped in Texas twice.
C.J.: We got whomped in the primary and we got whomped in November.
Bartlet: I think I was there.
C.J.: And it was avoidable. Sir.
Bartlet: CJ, on your tombstone it's gonna read 'Post hoc ergo propter hoc.'
CJ: Okay, but none of my visitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone.
Bartlet: Twenty-seven lawyers in the room, anybody know 'post hoc, ergo propter hoc'? Josh?
Josh: Ah, post, after hoc, ergo, therefore... After hoc, therefore something else hoc.
Bartlet: Thank you. Next? Leo.
Leo: 'After it, therefore because of it'.
Bartlet: 'After it, therefore because of it'. It means one thing follows the other, therefore it was caused by the other. But it's not always true. In fact it's hardly ever true. We did not lose Texas because of the hat joke. Do you know when we lost Texas?
C.J.: When you learned to speak Latin?
Bartlet: Go figure.
Guns Not Butter (4.11)
Bartlet: I like your sass.
CJ: You've got a very nice sass yourself... sir.
Bartlet: What, are you touring?
CJ: I could.