H. Con. 172 (3.10)
Josh: I'd like to see her again.
Toby: Call her.
Josh: And ask her out?
Josh: No. No. Cause there's a potential she says no and then I have to move someplace where it'll never be spoken of again.
Josh: I need to come in under the cover of business.
Toby: Cause you're a straight shooter.
Josh: Yeah. I need a point of friction, an issue where the feministas and the White House disagree. That way I can go to her, break the bad news, stand tough, smooth it over and then, you know, I take it from there.
Toby: How about the word feministas?
CJ: Have either of you heard of, uh, I don’t know, something, the Jamestown Mayflower Daughters of the American Revolution Preservation Society?
Toby: The Jamestown Mayflower Daughters?
CJ: I may have gotten the name wrong. They’re inviting the White House to participate in some kind of, I don’t know, Thanksgiving Revolutionary War reenactment.
Toby: CJ, let’s not torture American history completely to death.
CJ: Who the hell are -
Toby: Jamestown was the 16th century. The Mayflower landed at Plymouth in the 17th century. The Fathers of the Daughters of the American Revolution fought in? The 18th century!
CJ: It’s a festival feast of some kind! Who cares?
Sam: Somebody needs to learn the true meaning of Thanksgiving.
CJ: Reenactments and proclamations and Native American cornhusks-hanging contests with native -
CJ: Whatever. I’m the Thanksgiving cruise director around here!
Sam: It wasn’t like this last year?
CJ: I wasn’t here last year.
Sam: Where were you last year?
CJ: They sent me home last year. You don’t remember me having a 102.7-degree fever and having all kinds of flu-like symptoms?
CJ: That’s cause every time we come up on a holiday, you guys check out like seniors who are done with finals.
Toby: We are writing a very important Thanksgiving proclamation.
Sam: And possibly a new action-adventure series.
Toby: Nobody here has checked out.
Josh: Hey, I was just flipping a nickel in my office. Sixteen times in a row, it came out tails.
The Portland Trip (2.6)
CJ: What's this?
Charlie: The lyrics to the Notre Dame fight song.
Bartlet: It would please me if you would lead the press in a rendition as we pass over South Bend.
CJ: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: All five verses, please.
Disaster Relief (5.6)
Josh: When I write my political memoir, this will be the character building funny part.
Donna: I thought I was the character building funny part.
Five Votes Down (1.4)
Josh: You know, I realize that as an adult not everyone shares my view of the world, and with an issue as hot as gun control I'm prepared to accept a lot of different points of view as being perfectly valid, but we can all get together on the grenade launcher, right?
Celestial Navigation (1.15)
Katie: But he has no plan to address inflation specifically?
Josh: 24 PhD’s on the Counsel of Economic Advisors, Katie. They have a plan to fight inflation.
Danny: Is the reason you won’t tell us about it that it’s a secret?
Josh: Yeah, Danny. We have a secret inflation plan.
Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics (1.21)
Donna: They've got to start the poll, Josh, it’s 7:05.
Josh: It’s ten to seven.
Donna: No, it’s really not.
Josh: It's 7:05?
Josh: That’s ridiculous.
Donna: I’m not making it up.
Josh: My watch says ten to seven.
Donna: That’s cause your watch sucks.
Josh: My watch is fine.
Donna: Your watch says ten to seven.
Josh: How do I know it isn’t ten to seven?
Josh: Cause those large clocks on the wall that are run by the US Navy say your watch sucks. In fact, they say your watch sucks in four different time zones.
Mr. Willis of Ohio (1.6)
Toby: Cathy, I need a copy of Article 1, Section 2.
Cathy: Article 1, Section 2 of what?
Toby: The Constitution.
Cathy: Is that something I’m supposed to have at my desk?
Posse Comitatus (3.21)
Bartlet: I want him tried.
Leo: That can't happen.
Bartlet: I understand.
Leo: I was talking this morning about how Mallory names all the lobsters in the tank.
Leo: Would it be helpful if I brought you a list of names of Shareef's victims?
Bartlet: What do you want from me?
Leo: Who was the monk who wrote, "I don't always know the right thing to do, Lord, but I think the fact that I want to please you pleases you." You have two minutes, sir.
Bartlet: This isn't a matter of religion.
Leo: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: I recognize that there's evil in the world.
Leo: What is your objection exactly, sir?
Bartlet: Doesn't this mean we join the league of ordinary nations?
Leo: That's your objection? I'm not gonna have trouble saying the Pledge of Allegiance tomorrow.
Bartlet: That's not my objection.
Bartlet: It's just wrong. It's absolutely wrong.
Leo: I know, but you have to do it anyway.
Leo: Cause you won.
Bartlet: Take him.
Take This Sabbath Day (1.14)
Bartlet: I’m the leader of a democracy, Tom. Seventy-one percent of the people support capital punishment. People have spoken. The courts have spoken.
Father Cavanaugh: Did you call the Pope?
Father Cavanaugh: And how do you do that?
Bartlet: Oh, for crying out loud, Tom! I open my mouth and say, “Somebody get me the Pope.”
Father Cavanaugh: No, I’m sorry, Mr. President, but I was thinking - you’re just this kid from my parish and now you’re calling the Pope.
Bartlet: Anyway, I looked for a way out, I really did.
Father Cavanaugh: Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord. You know what that means? God is the only one who gets to kill people.
College Kids (4.3)
Bartlet: And Article 51 of the United Nations charter says every nation has a right to wage war to defend itself.
Jordon: The article's incumbent on wars being declared.
Bartlet: Wars don't work like that anymore.
Jordon: Laws work like that.
Bartlet: 44 people are dead in Iowa, and most them college kids. Shareef has murdered Americans in uniform. He's murdered Americans out of uniform. He was trying to blow up the Golden Gate Bridge, and I didn't have time to file an amicus brief.
Jordon: How can justice that has to be served in secret be justice?
We Killed Yamamoto (3.20)
Leo: This is the most horrifying part of your liberalism. You think there are moral absolutes.
Bartlet: There are moral absolutes.
Leo: Apparently not. He’s killed innocent people. He’ll kill more, so we have to end him. The village idiot comes to that conclusion before the Nobel Laureate.